SAVVY

I can't help it.

2012-01-24T10:12:00.000-08:00

A part of me still considers still living in New York. I remember what it was like a lot. I was so busy and so on track. I had everything mapped out and all my time was usually filled and the time that wasn't I filled with my time. I used to have that time before I moved into a house.

I've been considering lately. Maybe that should've been my new word for this year. I've taken a lot of things into consideration for the future and for my life. When things happen or problems arise you have to consider. Don't mistake this for second guessing, considering is just a form of "thinking extra".

Since moving here and taking on this new job I've become more of the business woman that I seek to be. I'm not scared to call. I'm not afraid to ask questions. And most of all I am confident in meetings and commanding a room. I used to think that means to amp up my bitchiness. Now I know its all about knowing.

It took me 26 years to learn how to do my hair the right way. The high school version of me would've never imagined this day would come, but yet, here I am hair curled the right way — finally.

With everything that I have been considering the main thing that I always and will always think about is love. I've been considering every aspect of love for most of my life. It's weird how so much of love can fill a person up. I've always been one of those people who hated when a couple doesn't work out. I think about how much time and effort they possibly put into the relationship and then I begin to wonder why they gave up so easily. Perhaps if you always put in the same amount of effort as you did in the beginning, you will never feel the end of a relationship.

Heidi and Seal made me sad. Especially because of Seal's song that I am not afraid to admit is one of my all time favorite love songs. Listen to the words and then tell me you can't feel love.

"I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name"

I promised myself I would never be embarrassed to love this song.

My Sundays.

2011-12-11T11:52:00.000-08:00

I miss my special Sundays.

Those days where I would wake up and spend as much time as I could in my big puffy white sleigh bed. It was always my version of the happiest times.

There I go missing my apartment life again. I miss my bachelorette pad. It was my own special place that I could decorate with everything and anyway I wanted. I miss that independence. I miss that place that I could fill with fresh flowers and write and look out the window at the same time. I miss the mountains in the distance.

I'm craving the very place that I wanted to escape from. And I always would wonder if I would miss it. Now I know. I miss waking up and always having some job to go to and some place to not go to.

My life was simple because I was still searching. I was searching for that ground that would keep me grounded.

I miss my sister. I love her. I love seeing little girls with messy braids who love mischief because that used to be us. Little girls, singing just to sing and exploring just to waste time until we grew up and could leave.

babies will crawl.

2011-11-29T18:49:00.000-08:00

Tonight I remembered for a second how things were three years ago.

A lot was different. Businesses were just starting and more people had time. Since when did people become so business? I think a lot about that term. We think business and then we think impersonal. I can tell things have become more impersonal.

These days we only scratch the surface. That is business.

I keep trying to think of something better, some better word to accurately represent a personal business. Friendship maybe?

When you are thinking of doing business with someone, what truly comes first...the act of business or the act a friendship. Maybe that friendship is a sham but either way you are doing business.

Are all relationships just business? And the act of handling business is furthering the relationship.

Being in the business world has really made me think about this. When you are trying to get the business you are pretty much required to form that immediate friendship right off the bat, because if they trust you — they do business with you.

That was my mini Jerry Maguire moment. My small part where this small ray of insight becomes a mission statement.

In other news I've stopped a lot. By that I mean I'm stopped doing the things that give me the most joy. I blame no one but myself. I havent written, ran, listened to great music or hung out with good friends. During most weekends, I feel the most inspired but only for a short period.

I think I blame living with others. I am the most motivated when I am alone. I shine during that time. I can make myself do everything that I love and be with everyone that I do too.

Once I get back to my own place, I'll be back to me.

It's not that I don't love my roommates, it just that feeling of being more independent that I crave. I miss being in my own space and with my own wonderful items.

I miss all of my little pieces.

Reading somewhere.

2011-10-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

I pictured my life at age 26 when I was 16. That was my cool age. I pictured that as the age where I would be set. I would be happy in my career and know where my future was headed.

Not the case.

This week everything was stripped from me. The things in my life that I had worked so hard for now are nonexistent. It's kind of like the feeling when you can't see any of your accomplishments anymore. Every little penny you earned suddenly doesn't matter as much. You are strapped.

I remember reading some blog, it was a Q&A entry about this woman's life after working for an advertising agency. After staying with the company for about three years, she moved away with her fiance to Tennessee. She started interning for the zoo, of all places. She recalled her time spent with the agency and then her life now. It made the zoo seem like a vacation. From advertising to sea lions. The way she spoke you could tell she was truly following her passion for animals.

As I read this entry, I was working for the same company, not the zoo though it felt like one. For a split second, I thought about working as a sea lion volunteer. That's not for me, but in that second I saw my self much happier than I thought I would be at the advertising firm.

That's when God made the switch for me and had a blond fire me.

One thing that will always stick with me is when she said that we aren't married yet after working their for three weeks. Now that I think about it -- should we want to be married to our job? Are we supposed to get that sort of fulfillment from our occupation?

So now I'm unemployed. This is usually that time where most people have that AH HA! moment and follow their passion to own their own business or they go to Barnes and Noble and read about people who did until they find a new job and settle.

You get a lot of advice when you are not working. You also come up with a lot of unemployment jokes too. It's the advice that is hard to take. You start to feel like advice is the only way people think they can help you. A lot of them even act like you have no clue what to do and they look at you like you are lost.

That's when you consult an unemployed friend. At this point, the jobless are leading the jobless, like the blind are leading the blind. They know what you are going through and can be cynical with you. And it's OK to be a little cynical -- just don't let that define you.

Bad things usually lead to greater things and I'm counting on that.

2011-06-27T09:19:00.001-07:00

Why do we doubt?

I admit, I doubted and lately, I've really put myself through the ringer. My desire almost overcame my will. It's like one of those moments in life when something great is in front of you and you will do anything to get it but then someone taps you on the shoulder and reminds you..."hey, it's already right in front of you".

That was my moment. I doubted and got an awakening. Yes, it's carefree and completely romantic to follow your heart, but at the same time, it's unrealistic and scary. I admire those that follow their heart or their head. Either way, we can become in happy in those situations. But you really wouldn't think your heart would lead you to heartbreak. Just like you wouldn't think your mind would let you stay in something crazy.

So tonight i got a little piece of clarity and I realized -- I'm in this. Patience is a virtue, isn't it? Bring it on. In a little way, I became excited for the coming months. It's like having new shoes for my direction.

2011-06-07T21:01:00.001-07:00

When you've had your heart broken, your next step is falling skeptically in love.
I hear it's a weird and strange feeling when it happens for a second time.
I always think about my opposite life and what it would be like. I'm not so sure I would be the same person-that just wouldn't happen. She would wear light gray, eat ice cream without a care, love carelessly, and be frivolous with her money. I wish I met her.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the future lately. It's almost as if I am programmed to think that way. I hate it, but it gives me lot of things to consider. Today equalled a lot of considerations. What and where will my life be like in the coming months? And then I think about the more important, yet worse question to ask...

Will I be happy?

2011-04-02T18:34:00.001-07:00

The hardest part of love is letting someone love you.

2011-03-21T20:22:00.001-07:00

Today I stared into the eyes of the girl I used to be. I was fearless and hopeful at the same time. I think about that girl sometimes. She was very career driven and set on a path that she was convinced would change the world.
Almost six years later, with three of those into my career I wonder about my progress. What have I really accomplished?

In life sometimes we stumble and start living for others, we get stuck to someone who becomes stuck to us. Is that wasted time if one doesn't stick? The hardest realization that I have ever had is not sticking with a person that I stick to. I have to constantly guard myself and then expect for the "rug to be swooped out from underneath me".

I keep dressing interesting people lately. Last week I created a whole wardrobe for a new singer in a band and then the next weekend I dressed a dairy farmer who was working at a black tie event. I'm always seeking a story. Thats the life of a hungry reporter. Correction, starving reporter.

I have so many good people in my life. It's amazing how much I miss their traits and yet, am so grateful for them.

"tomorrow will be better, I swear!!"

Launder.

2011-03-11T09:35:00.000-08:00

Today I washed clothes with a rapper. Well a person who looked a lot like one. The whitest version of Big Pun. The Adirondack version of a member of the Terror Squad.

I decided I'm done with negative thoughts. You cannot have negative thoughts in spring. You just CANNOT. At least not when things are happening; Every thing blooms in the spring. Relationships, flowers and circumstances seem to be washed away.

I woke up this morning with a happy heart. You know those times when something is said and you can't shake it. But more than that, you really don't want to shake it. And you hope nothing happens to shake it from your thoughts. Yea, that's what happened. Does anyone ever really think about how powerful their words can be?

Lauryn Hill once sang "killing me softly with his words." Is that a good thing? Or is she telling us that she doesn't really want to fall head over heels? Either way that song is great to sing in the shower.

April will be here before I can tell. One less month, but more more closer to my heart.

Bottom of the barrel.

2011-03-08T10:45:00.001-08:00

Fine. New York. Just take it. Take every single thing.

Last night I gave up a little. If I had a towel to throw in, it would have been thrown a very long time ago.

It's hard to keep your chin up sometimes when there is no one to look to. I thought a lot last night about the people who live around me. I keep reminding myself that living here, means the people are a lot different. When a car gets stuck usually people help you, but then they might want something in return. New Yorkers expect something in return, while Southerners are different. They do it because it's in there make up.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/03/08/northeast.winter.storm/index.html?hpt=T1

Just another day in paradise. And in paradise, I think I'll be able to make it.

buried.

2011-03-07T10:27:00.000-08:00

I never thought I could miss something so much in my life. Or have the desire to be somewhere else.

The snow has gotten overwhelming to a point where its ruining my life. OK, so that was a little dramatic, but I can't help it. I dream of grass and anything but white grounds or walking in snow.

There was a point while I was driving home last night when I lost control. My hands were shaking but my head was level. I have never felt so trapped. The feeling forced me to override any happy moment of my day and just slip into bed as my legs became jello.

I'm stuck inside with thoughts.

My sister drew me. True art doesn't lie. This is me in New York, missing out on Mardi Gras. But still I need this.

The most in the world.

2011-02-01T08:55:00.000-08:00

I used to write. I remember those days. I thought it would be cool and with that I became passionate.

Then I moved away and got a new sense of things. This whole year of me not writing was a small test of finding my own way and not writing it out. Big mistake.

The thing I find the most amazing about moving away from your heart is that you soon pick up a new version. Suddenly, you are all alone craving for someone to really take you under their wing and really show you what your new venture will be all about. They won't define your adventure but they will shape it. It's really like moving to a new country.

But the main story isn't really about moving. It's about really living and learning. I've always said it really takes a full year to really enjoy your place. Actually, I take that back. It's a year to decide whether or not you should stick with it.

All that to say I'm ready to write it out.

No buts.

2010-06-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

So now it comes to this...
Literally working my butt off for these shoes and then I get them and I am still working my butt off. Well, cause that is what they are susposed to do. I splurged.

And now I sit here contemplating if I should splurge again. Once you get something new you sort of want to keep riding aboard that train with those exciting feelings still running through your mind. Should I spurge again? If you have it... why not? But maybe should you save for something else, some else that will be a larger investment later on in the future. Do we really think about splurges? Do we assume that they will hold us over for our next investment? If you look between the lines, you will find that everything is an investment of some sort, including relationships.
Are these relationships investments or splurges? Am I an investment or splurge to someone?

Over time you get to know the answer, I guess the key is patience of how well you invested. It's all about making those decisions and taking a risk. Most investments are a risk.

The first time I heard that word aimed at me, I was 22 and mattress shopping. Who knew that mattress shopping is a risk in an investment? That was my first step into making my own choices. It was stressful. I wanted the best and shopped around for almost a month before I snuggled down into a deal with my first big one. Almost three years later, my investment has paid off.

Now it's time to invest into some lunch.

I dyed.

2010-06-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

Last night I drank red wine and dreamed of living in Paris. Just me.
I guess it was my eat, pray, love moment, starring me instead of Julia Roberts or Elizabeth Gilbert. I love the part in that book when she is laying on the bathroom floor crying. For some reason I think the bathroom floor is where most of us find clarity in our lives. It's the only place that you can be alone and people expect you to go in there. My favorite room in the house: my bathroom.

I remember this scene on Tough Love, the VH1 show that I credit stealing at least an hour of my Sundays to show me all the things I've done wrong in relationships. This girl on the show becomes confronted with a guy who she is in love with, and a guy who is from her past, that I guess she was still in love with. Seeing the awkward moments before her eyes, she runs to the bathroom. When she comes out, she quotes her mom. "My mom always told me that when you are feeling sad or helpless, go to the bathroom and take a second to calm down and say a prayer."

The grass is always greener on the other side but sometimes all you want to do is just trample through it to really see if it is greener.

I've never seen so many Adirondack chairs in my life. Either this place loves to be lazy or they are really proud of their wood.

Always the question. Always the answer.

2010-06-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

It's weird how everyone has words inside of them but few words actually get let out. I have so many good ideas constantly orbiting around my brain but most of them never get to print.

I wonder how far some of us will go for love. Love has always been something that I have been fascinated by. It's like love is this beautiful skyline that I cannot take my eyes off.
Love is also something that influences every decision that we make in life. We live life thinking about consequences and how they will effect the people that we love. A whole bunch of love was the reason that I moved to New York and a whole bunch of love is why I didn't want to. I was pursuing my first love, journalism.

So how far will we go? Is there enough love to get us there? Is there enough love to keep us there?

Besides distance, how far will we go to find love? Love is so complex and fragile that it's like making a cheesecake. Everything has to be just right for things to come out delicious.

Half the perfect world.

2010-06-03T08:15:00.000-07:00

At this moment something inside of me wants to be an English teacher. I always had the best times in English class. The best thing about English class was being able to (or forced to) write in your journal. It was the one thing in high school that I was ok with being forced to do. It was always when we first got into class and sometimes there was a topic. The times the board was without a topic I would be relieved. It was my chance to go all out and get down to what I was really conscious of.

Sometimes I fall too easy. I'll admit that, maybe that is the down side to me or upside. I love to love and I find it easy to admire in a genuine manner. Whether it be friendships or others. My heart is always open to the possibility. Don't get me wrong I am not in awe of everyone who looks my way, but I am in awe of similarity and the things that make people "good people." It's refreshing when people know who they are and are comfortable in there own skin.

People take what they have for granted. I'm guilty of it too. I moved more than 1300 miles to live in New York and follow my passion. Who else gets a pursuit like that? In our own way someone is seeking something that we already have or accomplished. I dont believe that no one in the world isnt after something that you have done or accomplished.

The other day I met this lady, while working. The smallest of small talk led me to learn that she had lived in New Orleans for three years. She loved the culture and missed the food. And we got to talking all because of her short hair.

New York has really brought out the best of me. I'm learning. Turns out I'm much stronger than I thought. How about that?

what I know...

2010-03-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

I'm addicted to Special K granola.
I wear too much black and white.
I drink at least one hot drink a day.
I HATE my work schedule.
Sundays are my day.

Babies are cute.
And I cant stop listening to
<----her

wolves.

2010-03-11T07:32:00.000-08:00

If someone were to ask me what is missing in my life, I would say a good book. I need a book that inspires and a book that wants to kick my ass at the same time. I need nice binded words that sparkle magical flurries upon me.

Last night I was thrown to the wolves. Eight wolves attacked me. I was unarmed. I knocked the first four wolves out within and hour. But the papa wolf was staring at me, he was gnarling (which is a word that totally fits here). He had three heads. I tried to punch out one of the heads but it growled and told another head to take me over and end this battle.

I took a bathroom break.

I came back and I could tell the wolves would have rathered me wet myself. I walked quietly but confidently right up to the black three headed monster and stared in straight in the eyes. All six of them.

My friends busted out of no where and shot two of them.

It was me and the three. I punched all three out at one time. And it was over. I did a signature stomach kick and then it was over.

I rewarded my self with choco cheerios.

And that was my night.

Fleece fie foe fummm.

2010-02-10T09:35:00.000-08:00

ahhh. I need fleece! and mittens... and flares! How am I going to survive? Hopefully Old Navy will have a moving to the north pole sale for me. Fingers crossed for fleece with moose on it...

Three days and I will be closer to being a New Yorker. Since I found out I was moving I have basically been a wreck with getting things prepared, saying goodbye to friends and just praying that things will be OK. But then today it hit me...I AM MOVING. I have a new place to experience. It may sound weird but I havent really celebrated. I've been to sad and nervous to really get excited. This is really what I want to do. And FINALLY I am doing it!
My hairstylist didnt believe me.

I have too many people to miss.

It might be right.

2010-01-10T21:17:00.000-08:00

If I told you that I knew where things were going I would be lying. I don't think we ever know exactly where things are going. But recently I have felt at peace where things may be headed.

201o is a year that took too long to get here. This year has been a great start so far. Last year I learned a lot but this year will be strength. Last year was like planting the seeds for 2010. Now growth. For the first time I think timing in my life is going the way that feels right. (but we'll see)...

It takes a moment for everything in your life to change, sometimes for the best and sometimes for the worst. Either way I think you have to be prepared.

I dont know what will happen but I have faith in whatever does...

Side note: Stella is the best perfume.

Lack of color.

2009-12-10T21:09:00.000-08:00

Sunshine and a song.

2009-11-10T11:41:00.001-08:00

Today...this is me. I am two horns short of looking completely like this. Everything is stressful and in a big mess. I feel behind and ahead at the same time. With that said, I keep waiting for something great to happen. I am a writer and I was born to do that. My words were meant for print, that's what I know.

Mates of State tweeted today "There's nothing the demons fear more than fresh air and a sweet song. Get out for a walk and sing." If that is true, I need to keep singing no matter if I am tone deaf. Needless to say that today has been quite a day. Maybe all I need is a routine and a new desk. I think I would rather have a new desk than fix my car (at this moment). For now I think I will just settle for a good cup of coffee.

Until then,
Toad-tally out.

great harvest.

2009-11-01T18:17:00.000-08:00

I have a thing for the constant scent of cinnamon running through the apartment. It's a homey kind of scent that makes the holidays feel closer than they are. Last night Sally and I drove around Lafayette admiring houses. It only made me want a house of my own even more so that I could have my cinnamon air wick running through a house rather than and apartment.

2009-10-30T15:27:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you never realize how much some one values you until a rainy day comes along. Today during a down pour my boss pulled out a huge cardboard piece and walked us to the car. And that's how I knew how much he cared.
I keep putting off shoe shopping. Shoes are something that I need desperately. Not any shoes, fall shoes. I guess I am sorta of putting my life on hold. It's fall but I'm in summer temperatures.

So I'm in this funk too and I can't seem to find a way out. I need to stop buying jeans! I think jeans are keeping me in my funk. Maybe all I need is a new do. Come Wednesday and I'll have one.

I have so much excitement for Halloween. It should be good because this time I don't have to work. I can be whatever I want this year I don't have to be a copy editor who is missing out on trick or treats I can be an indian or a vampire bat.

Happy Halloween.

Happenstance.

2009-10-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when you stab something.

Halloween happens.

Last night I read this NYtimes column and cried. It was beautiful. It was this mother who had two children but one died. She later on decided to adopted another daughter. I was so intrigued by this lady's heart and how she felt about her daughter. I have always thought that the strongest love I will ever come across will be my children. In the column the mother said something in it that brought me to tears it was so true.

"What I do know is this: there is no safe route through parenthood, or through life. When we offer our heart to others, we do not know what will happen to it. It may break. It may grow. It may take us places we never imagined."

I'm stuck on love. I love the idea of love and love reading about it and hearing about it. This column is the best thing. It shows how anyone and everyone feels love. It's packed with comfort and hope.

One of my favorite questions to ask someone is: What is the ultimate thing that both of your parents have taught you?
It's a good way to learn about a person and about their family from the beginning.

Another good thing that happened today was hearing that someone loves to read. It gives me hope that someone is out there reading, no matter if it's a boy who is documenting his journey to be successful in his career or some southern sweetheart who wants to become a sassy northerner. Everyone deserves a voice. Everyone has a voice. And hopefully someone is reading what that voice says.

I love new friends. And even more than that I love having new friends that completely believe in your talents.

P.S. I can post from my phone. hrrah!

Striving.

2009-10-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

Seeing a Cupid getting an oil change.
Making my grandparents laugh.
Hearing my dad talk about faith.
Jumping into a pool.
Crushed ice with water.
TV that gets movie channels.
Jacuzzi.
Playing solitaire with my grandmother.
Writing a story about an interview that I loved doing.
Meg Ryan movies.
Yellow tulips.
Eating at luna.
Crazy coffee house night.
Comfy leather chairs.

Doing what feels right to you. Admitting your feelings and never giving up on love.

IN THE PAST THREE DAYS: the things that make me happy.

Easy Living.

2009-10-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about reading a Glamour or girlie magazine from back in the day. I wonder what words fill those pages. I wonder if those magazines helped my grandmother or if she read them for advice.

I found myself thinking that life in the 1940s and before this time, was simple. I doubt my grandmother had much drama, in fact, I doubt the word drama existed before 1990? I wonder if she ever thought about if she should befriend an ex or something along those lines. Come to think of it I wonder if she ever had an ex. I think my grandfather was her first and only, with out any drama attached. I guess love can be simple... or is it just because it was back then. I struggle with decades of love.

I thought a lot today about what I wanted. I considered my perfect job to be a two part deal. One being something that I like to do and pays well, and the other--writing, whatever I want and whenever. I don't really care what the rest of the world thinks is happening, I will always write. When it comes to passion, not even a recession can kill it.

This past Sunday sermon was what I needed. She had been divorced, and admitted that she struggled. And then she said something that really hit me. She said that instead of forgetting the time spent in love with her husband, she would remember it and never deny it. She continued that the end or failure of something big in our lives is the beginning for a chance to make a new. (or the start of the beginning of something new). It was all well put with good intentions, which usually makes up a good sunday sermon.

In the words of my mom, "We'll see."

Green jump suit.

2009-09-29T21:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight would be a good night to go camping. It's 70 degrees and 77 percent humidity.
...I bet my sister is laughing.

It's funny how He always reminds me that I am never alone. Someone is always in your same situation, whether you know it or not. And this one actually inspired me. For the first time in almost six months someone was on the same page as me. ha, pun intended.

So I guess I am in this, for better or worse. Just need to get out there and on the stands. Then, sell it. And repeat. Organization is what is needed. Just continue to have faith.
...I guess that is how Saints fans feel. Right now we are all feeling those three wins. We have hope and are proud. (they have been in print.)
Either way I need something to show. If anything I'll be writing like a beast and staying on top of things. This is the best time to be a control freak.

the middle.

2009-09-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

I sometimes forget what peace can be had in silence. Do this just sit in your room and light a candle that smells like something that inspires you and just be.

The only thing I hear is the whirling of the fan, a sometimes cricket and the keyboard. It's peace. We can create a peaceful environment but I wonder if this really brings us to a peaceful state of mind. It was in Chicago that I felt the most peace in my life. And to be honest I think it was the only time that I didnt care that I had no friends my age in town or had no one to hang out with on a weekend. It was me and books along with the beautiful city by the beach.

I always refer to my summer 06 in Chicago as the best summer of my life. Actually it was the best time of my life. I was with myself and I was fine. That is when I discovered that I am not afraid to be along. Since then of course things have changed a little.

I accidentally Shirley Temple-d my hair tonight a minute before church. It looked awful... so I threw it up in a pony and ran out the door. I was ten minutes late and just stepping in when the congregation was reading the first lesson. But I think I was late for a reason. Because I was late I sat in the back, and was one of the last ones to get communion. It was while I was waiting for the wine that I saw the most beautiful sight. The cutest blond girl was blessed. The priest kneeled down to her, looked her in the eyes, while saying a prayer and made the sign of the cross on her forhead. He smile and she just stared. He said "God bless you." And she just stared. He wasnt moving on until he got a smile. And she wasnt about to give him a pity one. They had a mini staring contest going until finally she gave in.

The funny thing about this story is that children dont know what awkward means. Nor do they care. And also old people are past the point in life where they care that they are being awkward. Somewhere in between being a child and being old we are all awkward.

I almost teared up. It's kind of what I do when I see children at church being blessed. I wonder what I was like at that stage. I wonder if I cryed during my baptism, if my mom gave me butterfly kisses during a sermon or if I had a stare off with a preist during communion. And then I think about my children and bringing them to church. I can't wait for the moment when a cute little kid who cant sing will be standing next to me or as I watch them color during a sermon.

Every time I go to church I consider the future. That is the time when I think the most about family.

start trying.

2009-09-14T13:11:00.000-07:00

It took an old friend to remind me.
It's funny how sometimes someone else thinks of you in a different light than you view yourself. Lately I've been ill on my direction and purpose in my career path. But today I got a spark of light at the end of my writers tunnel. I thought being a freelancer was a boring job. They dont have a life, so they will give anything to write about something interesting... and they dont have any interesting stories because they are what they write. Life for them is story ideas. I THOUGHT that.

... but then there is this. I forgot that I have good ideas. I forgot about what made people want to read. I forgot about what sparks interest. Being relatable! duh! Why not write about what I wanted to all along. I have been taking my life in the directon of how people want me to be and not really making my own stories. To say the least I have been stuck in my own world.

All it takes is a book of stamps and envelops.

produce.

2009-09-03T22:12:00.000-07:00

That makes me want to always smile.

If Heidi Klum wrote a book I would read it in a heart beat. It is amazing how Heidi Klum can be so beautiful on the inside and the outside. Plus she has such a good personality. She is such a great role MODEL. get it?

Enough joking around. I am convinced that the best thing that you can do when you feel like you are in a rut is clean. Throw away some clothes. Get rid of some notes and really love and appreciate what you have. As people I think we always want what we cant have or afford, a lot of the time we dont appreciate the things in front of us because we are blinded by the need for something better. For my birthday wore my old heels that I bought a year ago and told myself that I need to go shoe shopping to get some good looking heels, but after cleaning I found some that I had forgotten all about.
It happens. We get rapped up in the moment of wanting something new and exciting and forget about the old shoes in our closet.

ear buds.

2009-08-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

I just thought of the whole concept of ear buds. And I'm not just talking about the electrical device. Ear buds are the ones who are always there for you to listen to your problems. Those are the real ear buds. Kind of like the friends who are there for everything, not just conditions. Conditional friendships take so much out of me. Why not just be friends 365 days instead of two?

The thing I miss the most about college is the coffee shop Frothy Monkey. It's probably my favorite thinking place of all time. Sitting in those black booths looking out the window at North Trenton (i think?) was the exact place that I first fell for the chai latte, accidentally calling it shay latte. This moment was important because it was then that I first thought about cultivating my taste buds. hmm. Taste buds. Another type of bud. One who will always share going out to eat with you. Ha! I have plenty of those.

I'm beginning to realize that college set me up for who I am now.
I need a desk at my house.
Last night a dreamed of getting an iPhone just so I can plug it into my iHome and listen to my station of choice. If I made enough money I would spring for XM radio.

... So I am a desk and an iPhone away from never leaving home. Here's to being a hermit journalist.

older.

2009-08-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

Last night at 11:02 I turned 24. I was surrounded by friends, which I think is the best way to celebrate any birthday. Friends are family. Just like brothers and sisters. For some reason I was jokingly more ashamed of my age than I ever have been. I dont know whether I was actually embarrassed to get older or that I just wanted to come off as funny.

I actually remember the first time in my life when I felt older (in a good way). I was at a wedding with a drink in hand, dressed up, I was in the perfect New Orleans setting. The thing that made me feel older was how I must have looked from the outside. This 20 something at her friends wedding, socializing with those alike. I just remember that as a good night.

The best feeling of that night was that I felt like I could take care of myself. I love that moment.

So 72 degrees makes a good night for keeping your balcony company, lights included. The only thing that could make it better would be a fancy skyline and I would never come down.

... but back to 24. This year (I assume) will be the year of "working it." A few weeks ago I listen to a sermon that we all should live by. No ones opinion matters but the man upstairs. <---That just gives birth to confidence. We should never feel like we aren't worth anything because we are or else we wouldn't be here.

The thing that I hope I never lose through my years would be to keep a humble mind of my experiences. No one truly knows everything or can completely know how things are or will turn out, we can only supply comfort or offer advice.

he's been kind of yellow and I've been kind of blue.

Second chance.

2009-08-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

Two days ago I mistakenly listened to "thinking of you," this Norah Jones song that I thought was "shoot the moon." I got into it. Norah Jones songs can sometimes just take you away to that place you want to be. I suppose it is a combination of both the words and the tone of her voice. So fast forward to the next day on my way to a coffee shop. I desperately wanted to hear that song.

And then I realized a year ago I had purchased a Norah Jones cd that sounded a little too country for me. (or I thought) I reached in my glove compartment (which isnt accurately named) and I found that cd. I seriously doubted my newly found song would be on that cd but lo and behold, it was number six. That number six made me give that album a second chance.

That little song got me thinking about second chances. I would never trust myself you hate or love a restaurant after just the first time. People underestimate second chances. They say that first ones are the real risks but second chances could be equally risky. You are putting so much fixation on your first experience which could add to or alter your opinion of the chance itself.

So second chances should be given if you are willing to take the risk that your first chance was wrong. You have to think, though, whether or not you should consider a second chance. Is it worth ruining your creditablity of your first?

With me chances have no number. I usually give none or too many. My second chances are just the beginning of my many chances ... that is unless I stand strong.

think of you.

2009-07-17T12:50:00.000-07:00

The one thing I like the most about my friends is they are trying constantly to make themselves better.
This evening was a good one.
A group of girls sat in a little burger joint talking about things that make them happy. It was refreshing to be in the company of girls with such strong will and persevering hearts. It's nice to know that you are always in the same boat with someone even when you think you arent. I wouldnt change my friends in for the world.

I miss my column. If there was any way that I could get it back, I would in a heart beat. I miss giving the world a glimpse of my life. I miss thinking of the whole world as a best friend. I miss putting myself out there. But then again what is this?

The best invention was the coffee shop. I love hearing people say "I'm at my usual spot." To witness them saying that is like learning a little about them without asking. In that company you have found their spot and maybe a little piece of their inspiration. If it is there spot to must inspire them, and hopefully you too.

Sotomayor and those alike.

2009-07-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up and had a thought.

I wondered if Sotomayor or Butto and other great women of the world ever cared about men. From what reports and new stories suggest. It seems that they could care less if one was interested in them. Or for a matter of fact if one texted her.

Lately I think I have lost sight of what I want to do or my main purpose for being in journalism. I want to change the world. It's silly to think with all the distractions that I usually have or rather put myself through. I have always wanted to be (as conceited as that sounds) an inspiration to young women. I wish they could hear my name on the news and think, hey I want to do that or if she can, why can't I? I want to be the motivation. I want my story to impact others or force others to try harder.

Along with my morning thought and cup of coffee, I thought about how hard that I have worked. Honestly a year at a department store and two with a newspaper has been hard work, but nothing to inspire. So what do I have to do?

My first and immediate thought is jump ship. Move to another country and start a revolution or stand up when others sit down. But to do that you have to stand up for something you really believe in. That is the key ... to have a strong voice. Let others hear what you have to say and the hell with everything else.

I wonder sometimes if this is just a dream. And I wonder if legends have the desire to be legends. I wonder if this guy in front of me has gas. hmm. I am in a coffee shop.

I have this thought that legends don't decide to be legends.

I can see whats coming.

2009-07-10T22:27:00.000-07:00

Driftwood holds a special place in my heart. Driftwood reminds me of vacations. When I was younger we never took vacations but the driftwood was always there. My grandparent's house was vacation for me. A piece of driftwood was the center of everything with its convenient spot above the fire place. The piece was like an easy escape for me. I would look at it and think of the times to come. The funny thing was no matter how much I looked at that piece, I never got bored looking at it. It was always there to steal my eye away.

Driftwood is created over time. It is wood washed ashore after making it through rough waves and the ocean.

Being patient means more than just telling yourself that you have been. Patience means waiting and wait means not getting what you want immediately. And who knows whether or not being patient will pay off. Patience is not a sure thing.

Tonight I realized that I have more to learn and cultivate. This week I thought I was ready but I am realizing that before I jump again, I want to be better than I was. I want me to be stronger and happier and not worry so much. I want to focus on the amazing person that I am with and enjoy him rather than the title. I want dept. And to get that I have to be patient.
Friendship could be a preparation. Something amazing will happen.

"I'm in the archipelago gold and I know I am still alive."

love love you.

2009-06-28T21:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend was scary. I felt completely blank, just like someone knocked the wind out of me. And the only thing that got me a little better was the words.

This weekend I think I narrated the times in Lake Charles as if it was a book. I tend to do that in my head when things are serene. I kept wanting to get a pen and just go at it. My book was brewing. I think this was a little technique that I do to protect my true feelings. Just like great writers get in the zone to write and put themselves in the situation, I did the opposite.
I was in the middle of a chapter and I took myself out of it and just listened to the words because I was already in the middle of it.
...If this makes any sense.

I kind of wish the words would come back and resound in my head but I wish I could leave the feelings there. I always come back from visiting my grandparents with a lot of feelings. But overall I am a little sad and very much heartbroken. I don't want this to be the end. Am I really ready for what happens next? I don't really even want to type that.

I know a little piece of me is dying too.

The whole weekend was my worst fear happening in front of me. And my grandmother gave me the most comfort. The lady who I thought I would be comforting was helping me. I am usually her daily strength but this weekend she became mine.

It's a precious time and you begin to value every living moment. Nothing is taken for granted. Actually I think that most describes my relationship with my grandfather. I value everything and every moment, since he first introduced the thought of him passing. I've always respected him.

I know everyone thinks there grandparents are great but mine are exceptional. I love spending every moment with them. Both my grandmother and father make me feel unconditional love.

All this time I was searching for someone to love me unconditionally and here it was right in front of me and with me all this time. It's safe love too. Love that will never break your heart. It's something that everyone has but few recognize or rather invite the feelings.

From June to September.

2009-06-24T16:00:00.000-07:00

I was just listening to this music and I picture my perfect setting.

Music playing loud and soulful, me with my bangs tied back wearing a cream colored vneck and light jeans rolled up standing in a old house with a kitchen with red walls and a big white sink filled with dishes from a meal I just cooked. Iwould just stand there and think about how great my family will be and how good the acoustics sound in my cute little old house.

It's simple but classic.

Lose the rain.

2009-06-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

I'm like this dude.
My new job has begun and I love it. In fact there are no words to describe the feeling of what I do. Love.

Today I was walking on this picturesque land and in mid question during an interview I felt a breeze and realized how completely blessed I am to have this job. I love my work and I love this time. I never thought I would ever say that.

I mean with every interview I love my job more an more. I love the interaction with people. And then I get to write about it? That idea is outta control incredible! I am so in my element. (ha).

I'm in an unconditional type of love with my job. I am happy. completely happy. :)

my apt.

2009-05-31T13:26:00.000-07:00

I love where I live. The sink is amazing. I have a balcony and I have a pool that is open 7 days a week. It's strange to think that just four days ago I was living next to a trash can and brushing my teeth fast so that my sink wouldn't overflow. Now it's like being in a ritzy hotel.

I'm home. It's a breathe of fresh air. I just cant wait to start my new job and just be. Have a set schedule and not be in the mix of a stressful environment.

I feel happier already. No actually I feel delighted. I've come so far from who I was last year. We all have, infact. It's strange to think that this week will be my last day working for a newspaper. I hope I am making the right decision. Something inside tells me that I am. So we shall see. This week, new.

new character.

2009-05-22T11:40:00.000-07:00

This week has been a dream. It's hard to believe for me. ALWAYS when something good happens to me, I cant believe it. I am awestruck. I figure things work out for a little while and then they get crappy again later. Everything good that has happened to me has always had a time limit. nothing lasts forever but I hope this one good thing that happened to me will last.

I'm like a new person relearning how to be happy. How to not put up with bull and believe in myself enough to make things work out.

Today I negotiated. I never step outside of what I should expect. Before this what I get is what I have taken. It's like becoming older or graduating from something. It's interesting how the simple term of graduating make you feel ready. Once you graduate, you can take on the world. Or at least the next chapter. Finally after all that hard work, you feel confident enough to move on.

The newness is overwhelming.

naked house.

2009-05-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

it's tough being alone in a two bedroom.

It feels so bare and lonely.

you came along.

2009-05-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

So I'm not really diggin this whole missing out on Cinco de Mayo.
I think this is the first time that I havent had a margarita. Oh well I had a mango one last Thursday. Sooo good.

I've decided that I cant wait to move out. I'm so sick of dealing with this shady apartment place it is ridiculous. Take my internet, take my cable ... take my water pressure too. What else? Drip my shower, flood my sink, rotten my cabinets. I'm done.

Last weekend I stayed and I regret it. I should've done the road trip. I kinda liked going to school 4 hours away from home. It was an automatic road trip waiting to happen each quarter break. I just love driving that much. It's thrilling to drive to a place that you dont call home. I miss it.

delete.

2009-04-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

If I could fast forward through May, I would.

This month is gonna be the worst. I can tell. Mich is moving out and things are already starting to disappear.

But I'm up for this. Word for the summer is strong.
This summer will be about facing the facts. Ima learn how to deal.

I just need a lil road trip to start off the summer right.

Mushaboom mushaboom.

wil-cant go.

2009-04-25T09:34:00.001-07:00

I wanna see em. But I have work of course.
So today wilco will be with me at work.

Too bad I cant listen to Festival all day long. Too bad I cant pack in the fun and then have it all day.

P.S. A lot has changed since my last post. I learned what I want and I am going after it. This summer will be all about getting strong.

May 1 - bring it on.

the new chap.

2009-03-31T22:13:00.000-07:00

My sister once told me something that flavor flav said that inspired her.
He said, "I dont give an F what they think."
She told me that one day when I didnt want to get out of the car because I thought I didnt look good.

She continued, when in your life will you ever see these people again. And when will you remember these people?

It's true. I worry too much about what others think.

Work was rough tonight. I spent the whole night wondering if my coworkers understood that I have a journalism degree.

I'm tired. that's all.

I tired of worrying and people not trusting my judgment. I am completely capable. And most of all I am tired of people saying that journalism is dying. Does no one want to fight? Does everyone just want to laugh that we are struggling? You cant tell a huge media company to fight for jobs for its employees I guess. Now I feel like Jerry Maguire writing his mission statement, or memo.

I would have taken the fish too and Bridget Jones.

I think I might get a fish in May and name it Gilly.

Whatever because next week I vacay.

youre banana nut muffin.

2009-03-13T12:23:00.000-07:00

I want to learn the bass.
I do. Last night I held one for the first time and I kinda felt like a rocker. I'm just saying.
With a little hair dye, layers and funky nail polish I think I could be?!?

Soft shock.

2009-03-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

I learned a lot tonight.

1. Loving your body is accepting it. Which means you are giving up. What would the world be like if you gave up and just loved everything or accepted things instead of striving for better.

2. The B.M. effect or the Bob Moser effect. if he loves you he will be willing to move to another country for you. or ... http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/08/fashion/08love.html?em
I am amazed by this standard. I wonder if I will get that.

So I'm reading this book, Eat. Pray. Love.
And I'm trying to figure out life through her eyes. Her being a messed up woman in the middle of finding herself.

so yeah yeah yeahS.

Karen O can sing any words and make them fly, I think.

yourea zero.

2009-03-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

Yeah yeah yeahs. Get that new album when it comes out.

This morning I did it. I had to. I was out of my fiber cereal. So I did something that I hate doing on Sunday. I went to Wal-mart.
Sunday morning grocery shopping is just a huge conviction. Why isnt she in church clothes? Ima stare at her.

And then there are the isle taker-upers. 'cuse me! I swear one lady and her son followed me down every isle just so they could brush against my buggie and say their sorries.
I sound so cold. But shopping at Wal-mart is the worst.
For some reason Target is the home to happy customers. I think it's because you can never walk in target and not buy something. They make everything look so good. At Wal-mart you purchase because you forgot you ran out of it.

I have a bundle of nickels on my work desk waiting to be put in the machine for some M&M's, the peanut kind. But I am resisting. It's hard because I think of the funny yellow M&M and I get a craving. But it's always freaked me out that the green m&m is a sex symbol. Why is the green one the sexy one? There might be a column here. ha.

I've been trying to write more about carefree things. I think people respond better when they get a sense of your personality and not your views. (But I could be wrong.) So far that's how it has been. I need to think of something for this week. I regret not writing anything about Mardi Gras or about Christmas this year. It's funny when on a holiday you have a good day. That's when you really get the sense of it being a holiday.

I like people who remember daily-light savings.

this is what I want. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/08/fashion/08love.html?em

Timing.

2009-03-05T21:50:00.000-08:00

I love this picture because it's so Paris. the cutline from the Chicago Tribune Web site reads Crocuses blossom at the foot of the Eiffel Tower in Paris on Tuesday. According to the weather in Paris and in that area this is supposed to be an early Spring.
So here I am in Lafayette and jealous. I want Spring.

Life is all about timing. I hate time. It's the one thing that we cant speed up or slow down. It can make the most patient person in the world impatient. And worst of all we cannot control how or when people enter or exit our lives.

But then again all of that happens for a reason.

win some or learn some.

2009-03-02T22:48:00.000-08:00

I know that my hours are holding me back. 4p.m. to midnight or later just isnt cutting it, and hasnt been for 2 years.
I cant believe I've been stuck for 2 years.

Some one told me that to keep looking young in your 30s you have to have as much fun as you can in your 20s. I'm so on that. I wont settle for grays this young. It's time to live.

Today was good. I put myself in a "I'm not going to let this bring me down" kinda mood. And I didnt. I was stuck in traffic, late, poor and hungry. But I just stuck to being happy somehow. I think the most shocking moment in bachelor history helped. He is one crazy fellow. Sounds like he is addicted to love.

I think I was so happy because I cleaned my mirror in my room and really took at look at myself. (this is where I get deep) When I looked in the mirror I saw me being happy. I wiped the dust away and I saw myself smile.

It gets better each day. Adele is helping. I could blast that cd and belt out those words unconditionally. Infact I did tonight on my way to quizno's.

My best advice for tonight is to leave work at work. Jordan taught me that. Thanks boo.

look at you.

2009-02-28T23:04:00.000-08:00

I'm in this a little and I am scared.
I dont want the same thing to happen again. Once is enough. But it's still sticking in the back of my head. In the beginning everything is amazing and beautiful and I cling to that. I think every girl does. We have this fear that the feeling will fade.

It is weird how it happens when you least expect it. Just know that Friday night was good. And this Friday will bring good things too, I think.

Baby steps.

Unlimited texts, sonic drinks and driving like a man. Good things are happening. But I'm still just sticking my toe in.

My ultimate distraction: summer time! I tend to focus on the sun and the beauty in the day. Letting my toes see the sun.

All in all my hope has returned. and that is the most important thing. and no one can give you that back until you see it in front of you, if that makes sense.

My morning jacket, give em a listen.

i might just age gracefully.

or should I just keep chasing pavements?

2009-02-16T22:52:00.000-08:00

Cds that every one should have right now:

Sasha fierce- beyonce
19- Adele
the ting tings.

It's the soundtrack right now.

I made amends with love. Everyone is either in it, losing it or writing about it. Or seeking it a guess. Remember this: love is limitless and completely unconditional, or at least that's what I think.

Advice is something that you can always use, whether or not you want it. It makes me feel good when someone older than me asks me for it. Or when anyone asks me for it.

Off that subject, I am convinced that someone will hate me in my life time. It's bound to happen whether or not you tip toe around people. At least one person will dislike you and you cant do anything about it. Give up and let them hate. Just keep the love in your heart and never stop praying.

One thing that I always pray for is peace. Peace in every situation. Let me be ok with how things turn out. I keep praying because I figure you can never have too much peace. that's the Buddhist inside of me talking.

"forgive me first love, but I'm tired; I need to get away." -Adele

midnight ramblings.

2009-02-05T22:38:00.000-08:00

A couple of nights ago this girl who is about to graduate from UL in journalism came over to my house. When asked what she wants to do with her major, she responded back with, "Well I want to make the world better with my writing."

I saw me in her. If you have passion for what you do, you've got it made. Sometimes its good to be a little conceded in your career. It makes you believe in yourself and gives you that drive to go out and show people.

I always loved that journalism slogan, "dont tell me show me." It's a support to actions speak louder than words.

My schedule is controlling my nature. Everything feels off and out of place. Hours like these make you feel so detached that you almost crave long lines or traffic just to see people. Tonight I counted the people in the office at 8 p.m. Five people.

I hate the hope inside of me sometimes. It's not good when you have hope in a hopeless situation. I'm learning to suppress the possibility and deal with the reality. I have to force myself to be pessimistic sometimes to keep the optimist happy.

swallowed in the sea.

Hopeless for february.

2009-02-04T22:21:00.000-08:00

I got bored tonight and took a peek. I cant stop reading about love.
It was like eating Mint chocolate chip ice cream while on a diet. I knew it wasnt good for me.
But I kept reading until I was ok with it.

I've lost love, but lately it seems to be happening all around me, and I think I'm ok with that. Finally the girls who deserve love are getting the guys of their dreams. And I'm excited for them. It might not be love just yet but things are beginning to brew. February is the brewing month. Love's number one ingredient is to allow yourself the potential and this is the month that can sweep you off your feet and help you get that feeling.

I only wish I could have kept it longer than one month. It's a wonder when you feel it.

I have fallen in love with friendship. And dont think that you cant get your heart broken there. Sometimes I feel more friends break my heart than boys.

The heart is resilient, but we dont think it is because when it breaks it tears us apart. But think about it, we dont die. We might give up for a while but thats when our head cuts in and allows that little voice to provide the positive affirmation, "you will make it."

keep your love locked down, you lose.

Spicy chicken.

2009-01-27T22:12:00.000-08:00

I feel numb.
I went to lunch.
Came back feeling defeated.
Then I threw myself a pitty party and invited everyone. I shouldn't have been down. I shouldn't have brought others down with me. I should have vented then put on a smile. But it's harder to do that when you dont have to face the world alone. When someone is always by your side you tend to feel like it is ok to be in a bad mood. You give up on having a good day and begin to let them in on your bad day just so they can have one with you, or work their hardest to cheer you up. I cant let that keep happening.

I still feel numb. but I'm giving up on my pitty party. No one is invited anymore.

This post is so waaaahh.

At lunch I did manage to get a kick out of a small thing.
Two men were sitting in a booth at Jason's deli and the first man picked up a huge strawberry, and held it up to show the other man. As he held it up he shoved his other hand right next to it to claim that the berry looks just like a hand. His friend was amused because he looked at it like a child looking at a new toy. The berry-hand man, pretended like it was a real hand and high-fived it.

It never fails, when i want something bad enough I don't give it up, because I want it.

the weight of the world.

2009-01-26T22:21:00.000-08:00

Today I picked up a book entitled, The courage to write.
Fear was one of the topics. I couldnt read it. I feared the chapter and I feared that sometimes I lack courage to write what I want. I put it back and then thought about writing a book.

The past two days have been rough. It's that time in your life when everything is going average and no excitement is in tack. I live for the next day. But I dont really think I'm living for Tuesday. I'm just ready for something new. Somewhere new perhaps. I feel like I have senioritis but I'm not graduating.
But I guess I want to graduate again. I want to feel that sense of accomplishment. I guess I will graduate from Lafayette soon enough. I like Lafayette but it's almost time to graduate.

Beck at 10 in Austin was my best moment. I couldnt stop loving every minute of being surrounded by awesome music. I found myself wrapped in the words and in the melodies.

Plug in some earbuds and just listen to music dont think about anything but the music. Just be with it.

Paper planes.

2009-01-22T22:49:00.000-08:00

Tonight I while staring at my computer screen I decided to stop being negative.
I expect things easily. I try hard but I dont realize that it's tough to get what you want.
I expected a promotion. I have worked hard, but it's my time to shine now and really show them what I am made of.
Some how in the search for getting more I blew out the little fire inside of me that makes me want to show how good things can be, and how many awards we can win.
I've got a little hurtle to jump over. Then it's done.

I'm here so I might as well rock. <---I think a rockstar said that once. I dont remember who but I'm sure if one didnt they should have said it. Tonight the bathroom was flooded at work, and in all of the irony in that room, we used newspaper to soak up the water. We might put good words on paper so we know that paper can really soak up our audiences. eh? Looking at the puddle of wet newspapers made me love them that much more. I remember the tech talk design adviser saying that working on the newspaper is the only job where you can actually see your physical work. It made journalism seem unique. I like that. James made me realize that I am blessed. when you dont think you are... realize what you have. Good people. Job. Family. and cool new work out pants I cant wait to run in. Life is good always. Love is good too. he's pretty good. :)

creatures of habit.

2009-01-01T22:31:00.000-08:00

I remember the first time I heard the stars.
Tonight I drove home a little after midnight to a purple haze in the sky.
It's hard to keep your eyes open when you are blinded by love. Things are good. They just need to stay that way.
Time means treasure. We missed new years in Louisiana so we took on a new time zone just to spend the first moments of the new year together. We talked about favorite movies until four in the morning, drank crystalino and pretended it was the champagne. Talked football. Turns out I would be the rams and my position would be guard because I'm not a pre-Madonna.

I've been hangin around.

2008-12-21T13:27:00.000-08:00

So here come the holidays.
And I cant stop watching those movies. Sleepless in Settle, Love Actually...heck I might even go rent one just to be safe.
It's like believing a world of make believe love. It's perfect and flawless and in the end everything works out, no matter what happens.

When I write about things like this i think about hope. I always find some way to tuck hope into my words. Hope or something that inspires me.

Hope is the inspiration. Now I'm babbling.

"Love is the answer. Someone to love is the answer."

It could be a lazy Sunday of me listening to the wind from the couch watching and believing in make believe love.
That is a beautiful Sunday.

Love lockdown.

2008-12-17T21:13:00.000-08:00

Snow at Christ Church in Covington.
This is my <3.

I figured out that I want to write about love.
Love in everything, friendships, relationships, hobbies, passions, what have you.
I thought about going back to graduate school in communication. My thesis would be on love and how to communicate love. I would get grants, travel around the world learning how different people express love through communication -- interpersonal, verbal, nonverbal.
Sounds just as good as snow in Louisiana, that is when I get that feeling.

I think love begins at Christmas time and flows through to Valentine's Day.

A lot like love.

2008-12-15T10:48:00.000-08:00

Last night was just a release of what I was feeling.
I've been frustrated and feeling lost in motion. We had girl talk and it was just what I wanted. I needed to know that girls are silly and we feel the same way.

I've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I am not that type of girl who does that, freaks out about things, misses her boyfirend when he is just at his house, the subtle girl that wants to write her true feelings but wouldnt risk letting anyone know so she just writes things that people should read into. (I hate that one the most).

But I guess I am that girl.

I've taken an internal survey and I think that from age 22-29 we are the most scared that we will ever be in our lives. We have options but dont know which ones to take. We are on this trail of life without a guide. We fear making the wrong choice. Marriage? Career? Love? Carpe Diem?

It's scary. We want things but we dont want to let people down and we dont know if those dreams are too much.
And then life gets exciting. Some of us, the less fearful ones, take the risk, follow the dreams. Some fail, some succeed. But atleast they tried.

What is holding you back?

A mix of sun and cloud.

2008-12-13T14:31:00.001-08:00

Every things been done. No excitement.
I love not knowing what will happen next. I love not expecting anything. I make plans but I love creating new ones at the drop of a hat. Schedules suck the fun out of things.

Is it OK to back out and just be scared?

I miss having deep conversations about anything that don't really matter.

Sorry...I'm all over the place.

plus.

2008-11-22T01:21:00.000-08:00

It's no wonder when you feel blessed.
Friends. Family. Journalism. boyfriend.

Tonight it was my fault. I messed up a page but fixed it. For the first time I felt like I slacked. Every now and then, when you feel like you have something down to the T, you can still mess up. Remember that if something comes easy, there is a way you can mess it up still.

In the paper there was this story about a fast food manager who was shot and killed while working. Sometimes as a part of the world we think less of those who work in the fast food industry. Society loves to stereotype everything and my mind feeds into those sometimes. Today, in this instance, I was pushed out of it. I found myself hating my first impression of this worker. He was a father of three and lived with his mother and stepfather. They said he was a good kid...good kid at 28. The story showed his love for family and how hard he strived for a taste of success. Hearing this story was like stepping into the life of someone you think you have pin-pointed. Stories like these disprove stereotypes and force you to get to know the person rather than the label you put on them.
They cause you to think and open your eyes.

It's all about perspective.

simple.

2008-11-02T22:40:00.000-08:00

There is a moth flying around my room and I cant bring myself to kill it.

reasons:
-Michelle is asleep.
-it's too fast.
-Can they fight back?
-I think they die in like a day... right?

Simplicity in intriguing.
This morning a wrote a column about my grandparents and how their love is simple. Easy for them. Convenient. And trustworthy. None of those go together. But some how they all work, so maybe they do all go together.

Today I tried a king cake snow cone. And it was the biggest tease I have EVER encountered. It was satisfying yet insufficient. I kept wanting to taste the doughy sweet bread and crystallized sweet sugar in traditional colors.

I can't wait for mardi gras.

You look like a swimmer.

2008-10-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

I hate doubting.
I usually doubt everything in life. I'm a person filled with doubt. I am ready for something to be undoubted.
I just wonder if this is where I should be -- if this is what I should do.

Tonight Nolan said I was beautiful when I just get finished running and when I let my hair air dry. I told him thank you for being sweet and he said, "I'm not being sweet, I'm being genuine."

Life is filled with moments that you just want to soak in and just remember. Today was a good day. I want to talk. Tomorrow will be good, I know because I get to learn something new. Something that I might not be good at right away. I'm ready for a challenge and to love what I do again.
That's how it should be.

And I love this lady. She taught me how to be one.
Thanks Meme.

Superconnected.

2008-10-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

I cant stop the happies.
There just here. Hopefully to stay.

The other day I was driving around Lafayette, yea driving and I realized how cool Lafayette is. (ush I hate ending a sentence with is.) Just did it again.

For the past three days things have been constant.
But for some reason I cant stop myself from buying clothes with stripes on them. Gray, blue, dark blue, red....I'm a sailor. I'm sailor made. Does fall mean it's time to be a sailor?
Or sail into change...ahhh. Sailing toward a new direction, a new season. I'm loving sentences that could have a deeper meaning but dont intend to.

Whatever. I'm in a state of goodness.

Are channel cuffs ok for men?

2008-10-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

I wonder what it would be like to be Rachel Zoe.
texting...makeup all the time...drama....furry shoulders...and starbucks.
I'm just guessing.
She kind of makes me sick/makes me want her life.
The other night she said, "Shut up, that dress is stupid amazing."
Or maybe I just want an assistant in a bow tie.

There are things I want to write about but i just dont know.
I bought two pounds of Super One turkey. so good.
And it turns out I miss Ginger ale. That's who I was a year ago. Plus 20 pounds and ready to leave Lafayette. I used to have a plan and be fearless but now I dont know.
I'm stuck and scared and craving bigger things. Last night I realized how I deserve better. I'm good enough and I know it. I'm ready to run it.

I could do it.

I will set it off with you.

2008-10-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to the lyrical meaning a lot. and liking it.
I dont know but what I do know is that lyrics to songs can be moving.
Again with my love for music.

Last night was really good. That's all.
There was a part while Nolan was on stage that he pointed to me and smiled a huge smile. It was perfect. He's got so much talent. I was impressed. Best show.

it's the way I see it.

You go on with what your doing.

2008-10-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

I miss Rogue Wave.

Them, Tv on the Radio, fleet foxes, Ryan Adams are the fall music. I think for fall 2008 it will be fleet foxes for me.

I had a good sleep woke up and needed to take a sick day. I've had this tickle in my nose since this morning. It's like a continual right before you sneeze feeling.
I took the day to sneeze, sniff and watch true life.
True life can be addictive, it turns out. Especially when True Life: I'm living off the grid came on. It was about these two people who decided to get rid of all of there resources and just live off the land. It was intense.
The female that was on the show was having second thoughts about the whole situation. She got really excited about something and then they told her that her feelings shouldnt be so intense.

And then she said something that applied to me.

She said that she got into this experience to surround herself with people who she liked and wanted to be like. But in doing so she realized that she was actually pushing away the people that she wanted to be like, such as her friends and family.

It's weird figuring out what you want in life, when you sign up for something that you dont want.

I cant stop wondering what the next months will be like.

Sharks.

2008-09-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

"When I get a little scared ..."

The sharks bit me today. It came out of no where. And they were after the cheddar.

Aren't they supposed to understand?
It seems like good news for me is good news for them, but in a beneficial manner.

I've seen people defeat a great white but can you defeat a loan shark? Or better yet two of them?

Meanwhile, Red bull is awful. But maybe a red bull can defeat a shark.

symphony.

2008-09-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

It's 61 degrees outside and I cant stop thinking about what an eventful day I had.
It begin early. Real early. And ended late. Real late.

I love today. This is my favorite day out of the whole year.
This is the day when things begin to be pleasant. When people put a smile on their face just because their hair isnt frizzy.

It's the first day of the beginning of change.

It's the first day of the beginning of the cooler temperatures.
Things begin to get cheery and people just want to be.

It's the first night that I can roll down the winds with out craving the air conditioning. Beautiful!

Things keep happening and Lafayette is teaching me that the only thing that should be put on hold is your iPod when left in your purse.

dreaming of revelry.

2008-09-10T16:32:00.000-07:00

The other day I noticed that my favorite coffee shop is closing.
It's convenient but pricey.
It's a chain so I cant really miss that store. Cc's is just down the road but that location lacks the drive thru.

Convenient means comfort. And I suppose that when most things get comfortable they tend to get sketchy as well. Are they ripping me off?

Dropped...wha'ca got now...

2008-09-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

Gustav killed my pecan tree.
I found the body of my pecan tree outside. RIP.

Wal-mart was stinky today.
I counted ponytails and tank tops, and those were just the men. I questioned whether or not to buy some milk. And on my way to the milk, I saw a little boy smack his mom on the butt while she was on her cell phone. It was amusing more because she didnt even flinch.

You see some weird things during the hurricane. Ill, a guy that works with me became a hurricane expert in the matter of three days. He purchased a book on hurricanes and now we were asking him how long it would rain.

But out of all of the weird things that you see, some people never lose their cool. It is in these times where it pays to be cordial. Or even just to smile at people. In the midst of a storm, a smile can become a ray of hope.

I'm ready for life to get back to normal. I'm ready to walk outside and not see green leaves on the ground.

I'm ready to see the fall leaves.

Gustav update #3

2008-09-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

Thinks are kicking up.
I just was assigned a flashlight...or I think it was a flashlight...I cant see anything.

I heard its windy outside and someone side the air went out. So far it's not hot and I hope it doesnt get hot.
Brady just faked hit on me, with his camera he is going around taking pictures of how ugly everyone looks. Kevin, one of the Sports dudes, is eating. I hope we have enough food. For those of yall who dont know, kevin ate four hamburgers in one meal.

When you google hurr---->

Gustav update #2.

2008-09-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

Ok those pretzels were off the hook.

Gustav is making me crave salty goodness.

Just lost a little power....will get back....

Gustav update #1.

2008-09-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

Lunch time has just ended here in the newsroom and things are picking up.
I regained my strength unlike Gustav after a 10 min power nap.
This is the first time power naps have worked for me.

I'm gonna write down everything I eat.

Breakfast: Ozark water and Otis Somethingorother muffin

Lunch: A bag of snyder's pretzels and a Sprite zero.

We'll see what dinner brings but I'm pretty sure they will serve us some ham, turkey, roastbeef on a padder with open boxes of nature's candy (val, you sure you dont wanna stay here?) fruit, goldfish, twizzlers (which I am gonna steal a lot of tonight and hide them in my desk.

We have cups (purple and gold, which is a sign of triumph I supose) drinks, water and ice. One of which is in a squeaky cooler that wakes me up consantly.

I cant see outside. I'm bundled in my half cubie, stinking and being a little sleepy, waiting to get to work for Acadiana.

(Calling it Acadiana sounds so much more patriotic than Lafayette, dont you think.)

Oh and the top pic is what happens when you google Gustav.

I can see you in the light.

2008-08-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

Nights like tonight make me sad.
You worked hard, trained hard and then you find out you can't compete?
In another four years you get another shot. It's the Olympics. This was his time, he was guaranteed, and now he is out.

Out of luck, out of the competition and out of a gold medal.

my list.

2008-08-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

In life, life is the one thing that you cannot control.
Sometimes you can do everything right. Stop at every light. Not tailgate, hands at 10 and 2 and something bad will still go wrong.

A great rapper once said, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
This is one of those days. You woke up wanting to start off the week right. You were determined to get back on track, when you did everything you were supposed to and somehow you were hit off of track.

I'm beginning to think even though you may do everything right in life, you still have things to fear.

I just hate that it's replaying in my head, making me fear something I once loved. Something that gave me freedom.

In freedom we have to take risks. And that is what we do every time we buckle up, start the car and head off.

I'm scared.

Please dont scratch me out.

2008-08-09T12:45:00.001-07:00

What would the world be like if everyone was honest?
At some point or another there will be lies and there will be honesty.
Is honesty the best policy?

Parents tell their kids to be honest. But when you get older your parents will tell you (not really to lie) but withhold the truth. What is right?

Every time I go out in Lafayette I wonder what if I should move to Chicago. When you have a life somewhere you start to think maybe you shouldn't leave it behind, but then when something goes wrong the first thing to do is to blame it on the town and get the hell out.

I wonder if "the city aint nothin but show."

Boot hatin.

2008-07-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

Replay of life.

Tonight it was like I was in high school all over again.
She would have been my friend in high school.
I would have listened to all of her stories, passed notes to her and told her about crushes.
But I went to college and lost touch with them.
It was my fault. But I think there were reasons.
I wasnt one of them.
I used to think we shared common interests.

I need to get out of here.

it was all about respect.

2008-07-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

People surprise you. In fact just when you think you have someone figured out, you begin to realize that you can never figure them out.
Tonight was a night that I was thrown in the middle of respect. I'll just say that I think both sides came out victorious. This is just want I needed. This is just what we needed.

I think all of this is coming out because I ran a mile. I wonder what it is like to run at night. Of course I wouldnt do it because I would get eaten alive by mosquitoes, shot or something worse. Maybe I'll set an alarm, something I havent done in a while, and get a head start on my day.

This is becoming one of those weeks when you feel like you can take on the world.

My new windshield helped. Tonight, driving home on that long stretch beside the field, everything was clear. I was looking out at a new world. The night was pristine but the half moon looked fuzzy. I dont blame the windshield.

Now I just need new running shoes.

Afterall.

2008-07-22T22:09:00.001-07:00

It's kinda like that.

Today I ran a full mile and became a runner. I'm so in...now.

fade into you.

2008-07-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly beginning to have the "what for" attitude.
Does it really matter?

If you are having a good day. Don't let anyone/thing ruin it. Focus on why you were happy. Dont lose sight of hope, especially when others seem to.

I hate when people think they have you figured out. Wrong. totally wrong.

Radio cure.

2008-07-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

So this is all my fault.
You know when you get so excited about something and then its over so you have nothing left to be excited about?

Last week the iphone came out and I was so excited about it. I was so tempted to get one. I wanted one really bad. And July 11 was the date. I could afford one. Plus, it has everything I want in a phone, even the navigation system. It was perfect. So it came out. And then it was sold out. Bummer.

So I'm outta luck again. My shine is great but the iphone is so much better. right?
And then I realized I'm being retarded.

I was getting depressed over a phone.
this is when we should laugh at ourselves. Why do we always think we need something when we can be happy with what we have?

Put on some heals.

Losing keys.

2008-07-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

Tina Fey has become my new idol. blurg.
Suddenly I want to read about her life. She lived in Chicago, I know.
That's how she got her start. A lot of people got their start there.
And here I am in Lafayette filled with hope. This is where I get my start.

Now I sound like I want to be an actress. Nada.
I just want to write and listen to Jack Johnson in the middle of the day.

"Sometimes it feels
Like a heart
Is no place
To be singin'
From at all."

I called it grace.

2008-07-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

You know sometimes when the thing that you least expected happens?

That happened today. It was like a rainbow after the rain. It gave me an unexpected hope and guidance.

Friends are amazing. It's not entirely true that when you move away you are leaving your family behind. If you are lucky you take them with you.

The world is family.

I wonder what that kid is listening to? Mates of State? David Banner?

We're all just a little bit lost.

2008-06-22T22:39:00.000-07:00

A little while ago I read in this book that writers should always write as if their parents are dead. Basically saying that we shouldn't worry about what people think. Writers should tell the little voice that says, "No! don't write that" to shut up. We should write for ourselves and the reader.

Easier said than done though. If I wrote like my parents were dead I think that would kill them. I was thinking about how I could do this and I came to the conclusion of a pen name. This is usually for writers who tell their parents they are successful yet this keeps them from finding the book.

And it's not just my parents. Its the world. I worry too much what others think. Who doesn't? Who cares? It's not fair that my words have to face the world to be judged. People are judged daily. I am not alone.

It's time to get back in my blog routine of every night.

Who knew you could make millions in journalism? Cha-ching.

You should try to shake it up.

2008-06-22T10:59:00.000-07:00

I cant stop listening to this album. Mates of State. gah!

I blame Jordan.
It's the perfect summer cd. Trust that.

just yet.

2008-06-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

Running without an ipod is strange.
I didnt have any distraction. It was just me, running and scaring ducks with my heavy breathing.
Rhythm pushes.

the star of the show.

2008-06-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

Reasons why Starbucks is better than cc's.

1. Comfortable chairs.
2. Better music.
3. Sweet tea and lemonade mixed drink.
4. Starbucks are every where. (in lafayette they build a starbucks in front of a starbucks.)
5. Starbucks always has at least two entrances in each location. Good news in case of a coffee fire.
6. They sell music.
7. White and black cookie.
8. They dont write on the cups any more, they have printed stickers.
9. The baristas are friendlier in the drive through. Especially the male ones. hmm.
10. One time I went into starbucks and they gave me a free sample of their new coffee blend and raspberry scone. Does cc's even have scones?

No bull.

2008-06-16T18:53:00.000-07:00

I was in NYC.

Fliiiiiiii.

2008-06-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

Facing the world. With words.
Can be ook.

At least this time people cant openly comment back. If they hate it. E-mail it.
Or just like Andy Rooney said. Dont waste your money on a stamp.

But Andy, please come up with a joke for e-mails. They dont cost anything and anyone can send one. And with me no one is reading them before to shelter me.

Well wait, I know the world isnt about shelter, because when you are out there -- you have it all. You get the world with all of its disgusting and beauty in one.

Face it.
Now write it out.

Admittles.

2008-06-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

It doesnt help.
I cant shake the feeling. I want to be so good and its not coming out.
I'm thinking if I take a second. And work like deadline is approaching something will spill.
The first cut is the deepest? Right Sheryl Crow?

After this one things will be easier.

I don't know what I am expecting. I know nothing bad will happen.
I know what I need to do. Just write.

Dont think about who will read it, who wont, if is it better than his, if it is the same as his, if a monster will gobble me up if I dont write well enough.

It's alllllllllllllllll in you head....It's allllllllllllllllllllll in your head.

young and impressionable.

2008-05-30T23:39:00.000-07:00

We sometimes get more of an advantage.
But I've come to realize that we scare easily. When the going gets tough, we usually get going. We figure we dont need this...we dont have to take this. After all we dont have children, or a mortgage. We have a life an we want to live it now.

When I was in college I used to think that I could go anywhere and do anything. But I'm getting scared. I'm becoming overruled by negative pressure. My carefree nature is slowly dying.

When I was younger I thought I would love my job always or I would quit. I didnt want to be stuck. I didnt want to be unhappy. I wanted to be in love with what I do.

I've never been influenced by peer pressure. But every time someone leaves, I want to go too. I have high hopes. I want to change this industry. How can the idea of something be so impressionable, but the reality make you want out? People come into this for a reason: they love to tell stories, help people, influence people.

My goal is change and you cant change anything if you quit. Right?

you can light the fire within your head.

2008-05-26T23:19:00.000-07:00

Would you work for the devil if he let you do something you wanted to do?
Maybe the devil metaphor is a little to extreme.

It seems for me, life gives me more to work with when something else ends. When things end for one person, something happens goodfor me. Is that why they say life is funny? Or things work out in weird ways?

Today was weird. No one was at work but five people. Everyone else was eating burgers or in the sunshine.

I was bad tonight and got my chalupa on. I had a 5 minute conversation with the person running the drive thru. She was tired and hurting. She made me remember those times I would eagerly await the time I could just sit down.

And then there is indie. I figure when I first listen to most of the songs. I spend the whole song wondering why they didnt do it the easy way and why the lyrics arent expected. The second time is better. I enjoy the randomness and appreciate the familiar melody. The third time I latch on to one line and love when those words mesh through the song. So you cant really love a song until the fourth time or until you tell your voice to shut up and listen.

With rap you fall in love with the beat before the words. That's why you never realize what they say until you learn the words.

And they shock you.

two tug boats.

2008-05-18T22:38:00.000-07:00

The Cosby show is possibly the best show.
When I was younger I wasnt allowed to watch it. Heartbreaking -- I know. There is just something comforting about a show where the parents will do anything they can for their children. It helps if the father interacts with the children too.

I bring up Cosby because tonight Nolan met the actress who plays Claire. I know she is not really Clarie, but that doesnt stop me from having so much respect for her.

I wonder what the couple above thinks. Jazz at midnight. What the heck is she doing? Must have had a hard day...eh?

Hardly. Sundays are easy. I would take a Sunday over any day of the week.
When you think you have nothing to write about that is when you should do it.

hood.

2008-05-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

There is a reason rap music was created.
And by rap I mean hardcore rap. The kind that makes you want to lock your doors just listening to it.
It makes you feel bad ass. It gives you confidence. It makes you feel fearless. And at the same time makes you want to dance and stick your lip in the air because at that moment you are ghetto.

Things make you angry in the world. You have a bad day. Someone might step on your toe.
Rap therapy is what I am saying. Rappers say what you cant and get away with it because they are rappers.

Try it.
The next time you feel fed up and cant say anything. Play DMX, Gorilla Zoe, Paul Wall or the Eastside boys. And play it loud.

I can't read your smile. It should be written on your face.

2008-05-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

I look around. I see a lot of potential. People are just suffocating.

Boundaries are always crossed. There is always so much to do but no one to do it.
And then I see the look on their face. It's clear. It says "two weeks till happiness."
On the outside they are still the same but on the inside I see a tiny version of themselves doing cartwheels.

Two years ago a small boat dealer told me that bigger isnt always better. I had my doubts. The dealer was sitting on a hefty $1.5 million. If he got bigger, added more locations, he would have been a billionaire. He knew that too. But he didnt want that. He wanted to stick to his only location. He wanted to keep that close relationship with his customers. He wanted complete happiness.

It's time to dust of my pencil skirt and make things happen.